I really need to start a new blog. Mostly because this blog is my only form of journaling/scrapbooking right now and I probably need a bigger outlet to express all of the feelings and emotions running through me at this stage in my life, but as this is really the only place I write about our family I try to post pictures and keep it light. However, I don't want to let this morning pass by and lose memory of it...because let's face it, whether you're a mom of 1 or 10, you just get busy and forget things if you don't write them down! :)
Every morning while I am pregnant I wake up somewhere between 3 and 5. Rarely can I fall back asleep within an hour.... I am envious of people who are "back asleep before their head hits the pillow." My thoughts get going, and my to do lists, and before I know it my mind is reeling! In fact, if it weren't for a half a Unisom every evening(which is BABY SAFE, so no lectures) I doubt if I would fall asleep at night to begin with. And it's not because I'm not tired... I am EXHAUSTED! I just can't sleep.
I usually use this time now (since I know I'll be up at least an hour) to process what I'm feeling about the new baby, to think about how I can be a better Mom to Leighton, and just to try to have a minute to myself to relax, because those will be far and few between in about 5 months(a reality, but I'm so excited anyway! YAY!). I also go take Leighton to the bathroom **side tangent** she has not had an accident during the day in quite a while -- she even takes herself to poop in the potty now, which was her worst struggle with potty training. Night training on the other hand, she wakes up and tells me she has to go.....from her bed. If I don't hear her at first, she gets upset because she's tired!**
So this morning was like every other morning. I wake up around 3am and have a hard time falling back asleep. But around 3:45am I doze off. And the sleep when I doze off is wonderful because I am so exhausted and will have to take Jack to work at 6am. But at 5am, Jack grabs me and wakes me up and I hear Leighton screaming. This isn't a "go peepee" cry, this is a terrified, weeping crying that instantly has me running to see if she is hurt. I calm her down to a slow sobbing and take her to the bathroom. I let her go potty and I wipe her face with a warm washcloth, but she just has little tears and keeps saying things half asleep that I can't understand. After about 5 minutes, she has calmed back down enough to say she wants to go back to bed.
So I take her back in her room and just can't shake this feeling because I know she's not happy and that breaks my heart. And I know all kids have bad dreams now and then, but as a mother you just can't go back to bed when your baby is so sad. We don't let Leighton get in our bed until 6:30am. It's our rule and for the most part she doesn't ask to, but occasionally when Jack is off it's nice to just all lay in bed for an extra hour and she is so happy that she'll sometimes go back to sleep with us -- till 8 or 9 -- woohoo! This said, I wasn't going to take her to our room because I think it's important for her to be able to go back to sleep in her room and Jack needs good sleep before work.
I lay her back in bed and ask her if she's okay. She quietly leans over and says, "Mom, sing me Heavenly Father?" (A Child's Prayer from the Primary Songbook) At that moment, the Spirit in the room was so strong and I just had this overwhelming feeling that although I have been feeling inadequate about motherhood (whether because I compare myself to other Mom's in the Church, or because I feel like a comment was directed at me, or because simply you never feel like you are everything your child needs and will need) I knew that Heavenly Father is always in my home and with my family and that I am doing everything I need to do to teach Leighton to be a righteous daughter of God. After I sang her this song and she hummed along with me, I hug her and ask "Can Mommy say a prayer with you, Leighton?" And she said, "Mommy say prayer for me." So I quietly said prayers with her that she could be comforted and I know she will be. Right before I got up to come back to bed, Leighton leans over and says "Mommy sing I'm Child of God" and while I sang her another one of her favorite Primary songs, I was once again so overwhelmed by that peace and calm that I knew that the Lord is watching over my family and I felt so much comfort and faith. I am so grateful for the gifts and blessings I have seen in my life and with my family. I know that we are watched over and protected. I love that I can feel so close to my Heavenly Father in my own home and that I can make it an escape from worldliness. And I know that although Leighton is small, she can feel the Spirit too and receive comfort. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father found me worthy to be her Mother.
